The Cynical Philosopher:

♦ 3,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You’re not fat, you’re just…easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named “Sag Harbor.”

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

Jokes

A book never written:

“Coming to America” by Anita Greencard.

Joke by Sam B., Hingham, Mass.

 

Alex: Where did our first president keep his mice? Will: Tell me.
Alex: Mount Vermin!
Joke by Joshua R., Birmingham, Ala.

 

A book never written:

“The Star- Spangled Banner” by Jose Kanusee.

Joke by Jason F., Hillsborough, N.J.

 

Fred: Which famous person do you get when you make a wreath out of $100 bills? Joe: This one is a toughy.
Fred: Aretha Franklin! Joke by Kevin V., Monrovia, Calif.

 

George: Knock, knock.
Kent: Who’s there?
George: Sadie.
Kent: Sadie, who?
George: Sadie Pledge of Allegiance — it’s the Fourth of July!

Joke by Kent A., Lakewood, Ohio

Father’s Occupation

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. “He’s a magician, ma’am” said Little Johnny.
“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”
“Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half sisters.”

Why We Love Children

Why We Love Children

NUDITY – I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

OPINIONS – On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..’

KETCHUP – A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. It was the minister calling, ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now, She’s hitting the bottle.’

MORE NUDITY—A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

POLICE # 1—While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

SCHOOL – A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

Have a Happy Halloween

HAVE A HAPPY HALLOWEEN:
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9.  You need to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8.  You ask for high fiber candy only.
7.  When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over. 6.  People say: ‘Great Boris Karloff Mask,’      And you’re not wearing a mask.
5.  When the door opens you yell, ‘Trick or…’  And can’t remember the rest.
4.  By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3.  You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2.  You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating..*
1.  You keep having to go home to pee.

No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway

Have Another Laugh

Have Another Laugh
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocked everyone’s socks off. She hung on Bob’s arm and listened intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club were all aghast. At the first chance, they cornered him and asked “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They were blown over. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. What, you told her you were only 50?” Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”

True Signs

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ:

“We will heel you, We will save your sole, We will even dye for you.”

AT AN OPTOMETRIST’S OFFICE:

“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

SIGN ON A PLUMBER’S TRUCK:

“We repair what your husband fixed.”

ON ANOTHER PLUMBER’S TRUCK:

“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

AT A CAR DEALERSHIP:

“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Jokes

  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
  • Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
  • I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
  • I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do the second week.
  • When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment. Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation.