More Humor

A Few More Chuckles

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

Humor

A Retiree’s Last Trip to Target

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one of two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind me was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Target asked me not to shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Tours…Marilyn Clough

There’s still time to sign up for the Great Gatsby Getaway to Mackinac Island in Michigan Sept 12-17, 2015. It sounds like a lot of fun. To see the Grand Hotel in all it’s glory, watch the movie “Somewhere in Time” with Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour. The movie was filmed there. Pick up a brochure at the Tour Table.

Opportunity Tickets…Carol Barcelos and Barbara Keys

July drawings at three for $1 are:

Café San Jose

1583 Meridian Ave, San Jose 265-3020

(Courtesy of Libby Harbour)

Fantastic Sam’s Salon

347 N. Santa Cruz Ave, Los Gatos 395-1147

(Courtesy of Irene Metzger)

Campbell Express

(Courtesy of the Howe Family)

June Winners: The Garrett: Gene Muzzio

                            Expert Cut Hair Salon: Sheila Gold

                            Campbell Express: Dan Boonstra.

Community Service…Sheila Gold

Calling all AARP members who attended school–yes, that means all of you. Please donate school necessities and/or cash to the Sacred Heart Backpack Drive and brighten the day for deserving youngsters. Besides the normal school items, there is a special need for NEW backpacks (no red or blue!), scientific calculators, safety scissors, USB flash drives, hand sanitizer, tissues, and $20 shoe gift certificates. Check with the store manager and tell him why you are buying school items and he/she may give you a teacher’s discount! Items must be collected this month. Brownie points for those who buy lemonade from a kid’s lemonade stand–it’s all about passing on a good feeling to our fellow citizens no matter their age. Mind-blowing facts to follow next month on our super-duper volunteer David More! Happy summer!

Volunteer Hours

PLEASE BE SURE TO PUT THIS REPORT IN THE PURPLE ENVELOPE EACH MONTH! THANKS.

VOLUNTEER HOURS REPORT: NAME______________________________________MONTH: ___________________

ORG_______________________________________________________ TOTAL HRS THIS MO._____________

ORG_______________________________________________________ TOTAL HRS THIS MO._____________

ORG_______________________________________________________ TOTAL HRS THIS MO._____________

ORG_______________________________________________________ TOTAL HRS THIS MO._____________

Staying Home Service

ASK US ABOUT STAYING HOME” (FREE SERVICE) (right in our meeting room before the meeting!)

This service is an opportunity to meet with an in-home care specialist and a home therapist to ask your questions about staying safe and secure in your own home. Get information on activities of daily living, diet, how to search for good quality in-home care, what questions to ask your doctor, fatigue, pain, hygiene, management, balance issues, and much more. No appointment necessary.