♦ 3,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You’re not fat, you’re just…easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named “Sag Harbor.”
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!