Let’s Laugh at Covid-19 … Sheila Bailey and Lynda Martinez

Sheila Bailey

For the first time in history:  We can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing.  Let’s not screw this up!

I washed my hands so many times, I found the answers to my 8th grade Social Studies test.

This quarantine has me realizing why my dog gets so excited about something moving outside and going for walks or car rides.  I think I just barked at a squirrel.

Lynda Martinez

Appropriate analogy: “The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” = “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now”.

For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us?  Asking for myself.

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.

Enjoy your day.  You don’t have anything else to do.

More Covid-19 Laughs … Lynda Martinez

I stepped on my scale this morning.  It said: “Please practice social distancing.  Only one person at a time on scale.”

Not to brag, but I haven’t been late to anything in over 12 weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.

The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things: 1. How dense the population is, and 2. How dense the population is.

People keep asking: “Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?”  Listen y’all, the churches and casinos are closed.  When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it’s probably pretty serious.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

Sherlock Holmes And The Sky … Shelly Schwartz

Submitted by ***Brittney Harrell***

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.  As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”

Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”

Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What does it tell you?”

Holmes: “Somebody stole our tent.”

We’re All in This Together! … Lynda Martinez

Let’s hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world.  I think we’ll all need the time to become ourselves again.  And by “ourselves” I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair, and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.

New monthly budget:  Gas $0  Entertainment $0  Clothes $0   Groceries $2,799.  Breaking News:  Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly

recommended.  Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.

The Cynical Philosopher:

♦ 3,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You’re not fat, you’re just…easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named “Sag Harbor.”

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!