Jokes

Some Grins (That You Might Have To Be Older To Really Appreciate) … Marilyn Clough

I’m on two diets.  I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

Don’t irritate old people.  The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and think, “That can’t be accurate”?

More Grins … Shelly Schwartz

A husband is throwing darts at his wife’s photo and not a single throw is hitting the target.

From another room, the wife calls: “Honey, what are you doing?”

Husband: “MISSING YOU…”

My boss calls me “the computer” — which has nothing to do with intelligence:  I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Observations … Veronika Phillips     and     Conjecture … Marilyn Clough

In America they call it “lobbying.”  Everywhere else in the world they call it “bribery and corruption.”

A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits.  And people who order quad shot, not-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors!

Signs of Life …Lynda Martinez

IN A SHOE-REPAIR STORE:  “We will heel you.  We will save your sole.  We will even dye for you.”

IN A VETERINARIAN’S WAITING ROOM:  “Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit…  Stay…”

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

I’m fairly certain that the person who put the first “r” in February also decided how to spell Wednesday.

A young businessman had just started his own firm.  He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.  Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.  Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

For those weddings cancelled due to COVID-19, God is giving them a second chance to think about it.

Healthy Eating Tip #43:  I pick fresh vegetables every day, feed them to my pig, and he converts them to bacon.

I’ll never forget the look on the cashier’s face when she scanned the packet of bird seed and I asked her how long it will take for the birds to grow once I plant them.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:  Eat out.

A Wise Man … Shelly Schwartz

Arguing with a woman is like reading a Software License Agreement.  In the end, you have to ignore everything and click “I agree.”

Special Horse … Shelly Schwartz

A man needed a horse, so he went to a church and got one.  Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse.  In order to make the horse go, you say, “Thank God;” and for it to stop, you say, “Amen.”

So the man left; and a few minutes later, he dozed off on his horse.  Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him toward the edge of a cliff.  Just in time, he shouted, “Amen!” and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.

“Whew,” said the man, “Thank God!”

Musings … Lynda Martinez

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

It’s weird being the same age as old people. When I was a kid I wanted to be older.  This is not what I expected. 

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my sense of humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

We don’t do nice things for people because they are nice, we do them because WE are nice.”

More Musings … Marilyn Clough

When you’re young, you sneak out of the house to go to parties. When you’re older, you sneak out of parties to go home.

And More ,,, Joy Walsh

If you drop something when you’re younger, you just pick it up. When you’re older and you drop something, you stare at it for a bit, contemplating if you actually need it anymore